The Wickedly Fun Dictionary of Business – April 21, 2014

CoverGet a FREE copy (PDF abridged edition) of my new book The Wickedly Fun Dictionary of Business – Words That Escaped Me Before My Brain Finished Downloading. It’s quick. It’s quirky. It’s fun!

It’s free at

puddle jumper, n. In aviation, a two seat wide, twenty row, fixed winged aircraft that barely clears the treetops at the end of the runway. Frequent flyers to small towns find this is a great way to remove any bowel obstructions.
“We would like all passengers at the back of the plane to please move forward to the front seats to help distribute the weight of the plane for a safer takeoff.” – Flight attendant on Trans-Texas Airways (a.k.a. Tree Top Airlines) to Air Force recruits flying out of Dallas Love Field (1968) on way to basic training in San Antonio; instructions had to be repeated at stopovers in Waco and Austin after picking up more recruits*

brain dead, n. The second organ pronounced dead after the numb butt from sitting in an all-day budget meeting.

investment, n. Slot machines are the most honest investments: you understand how they work, you know they’re rigged, and you understand you’ll lose more than you win. But with slot machines you still have hope.
“Why would you invest with a Wall Street broker who rides the subway to work?” – Warren Buffett

key man insurance, n. Insurance taken out by partners on partners to protect their business in case of the other’s death. Partners then begin discreet Google search for “made” men from Kansas City.

no solicitors, n. Sign on office doors warning salespeople not to enter or suffer the consequences. The last thing you remember seeing when waking up in the emergency room.

Attention business owners, sales managers, salespeople, and marketing executives: at the back of the book you’ll see a referral strategy to find new business if you’d rather not cold call.


Quick Quirky Quotes™ for Week of April 14, 2014

Clown clear 4 for blogSobriety Test
“If you’re the designated driver, have fun with it. At the end of the night drop the people off at the wrong houses.” – Jeff Foxworthy

Keep Failing Until You Get It Right
“How do you get started in this business?” they ask.
“You go out and you fail.” – Stephen Colbert when comedians ask how they can break into the business

Choose One
“You have three choices in life: be good, get good, or give up.” – Gregory House, “House M.D.”

Plugging Away
“You never master anything. You just keep working at it.” – Denzel Washington to David Letterman on his hobby of boxing

Political Advisor
“I have too much respect for the truth to drag it out on every trifling occasion.” – Mark Twain



Icon Cover - AE - Red Ribbon 6Get a FREE copy (PDF abridged edition) of my new book The Wickedly Fun Dictionary of Business – Words That Escaped Me Before My Brain Finished Downloading. It’s quick. It’s quirky. It’s fun!

Download it free at

Here’s a quick peek:

butt-dial, v. Smart ass.

consciously incompetent, adj. The second lowest level of competence. You’re stupid and you know it. Why the Dummies and Idiots books are so popular.

kiss off, v.t. The subject line on your email from your last job interview.

texting, v. Wrds wtht vwls. (Why texting isn’t big in Hawaii.)
“Dear Students: I know when you’re texting in class. Seriously, no one just looks down at their crotch and smiles. Sincerely, Your Teacher.” – Sign posted in high school class

unconsciously incompetent, n. The lowest level of competence. You’re stupid and you don’t know it. It’s when someone asks you to name the ten Supreme Court Justices and you actually come up with ten names.

unintended consequences. Didn’t see that coming! Your mind leaving you thoughtless and alone without telling you it was going.
“Oops!” – Embarrassed presidential contender, and Texas Governor, Rick Perry with his 53-second brain freeze unable to remember one of the three federal departments he wanted to abolish in a nationally televised GOP debate

Attention business owners, sales managers, salespeople, and marketing executives: at the back of the book you’ll see a referral strategy to find new business if you’d rather not cold call.

Quick Quirky Quotes™ for Week of December 31, 2012

Clown clear 4 for blogAn Inconvenient Truth
“In the United States, anybody can become president. That’s the problem.” – George Carlin

“What is conservatism? Is it not adherence to the old and tried, against the new and untried?” – Abraham Lincoln

There Are?
“Liberals claim to want to give a hearing to other views, but then are shocked and offended to discover that there are other views.” – William F. Buckley

Waking Rip Van Winkle
“The Republican convention started this past weekend, so don’t forget to turn your clocks back 400 years.” – Jay Leno

Oh, Knock It Off!
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.” – Will Rogers

I Call Her Pecan Because She’s a Nut

shelled and unshelled pecans

What is the difference between being persistent – and being a stalker?

A saleswoman (I’ll call her Pecan to avoid any lawsuits) called for my advice for how to get her prospect to return her calls. She said that she had left multiple messages but he never called back.

I asked her where she stood at this point in the sales cycle.

“Well,” she said, “on my last call he told me to stop calling. He said he thought I was a stalker, that I scared him, and to never call him again.”


“Why do you keep calling him then?” I asked. “He’s given you his answer.”

She hesitated. “ Well…uh…I think I’m infatuated with him. I know he’s married, but I don’t care. What should I do?”

“DON’T CALL HIM BACK!” Get a life lady. Move on.

Pecan wasn’t happy with my answer, but she got off the phone.

She called me back the next day. “Jerry, he’s REALLY mad at me now! I didn’t do what you said and I called him back anyway. What can I do to get him to return my calls?”

Wait a minute. You want me to give you advice for how to stalk a guy? No way. I’m not going to prison for you.

“Pecan. Never call him again or the police will be taking you to the nearest calaboose for lock-up. And never call me back either.”

There. That did it.

Two years later I’m in her city doing a public seminar. Somehow she found the hotel I was staying in to do the seminar.

Getting to my room that evening after a long speaking day, I flopped down onto my bed. R-r-r-i-i-i-ng. Picking up the phone, I was shocked to hear the voice.

“Jerry!” Pecan pleaded, “I know you’ve just finished your seminar and you’re probably tired. But I’m down here in the lobby. Could you please come down and give me some advice for how I can get my (same) prospect to return my calls? I’m really getting desperate!”

And I’m getting really scared. And no, I didn’t go down to show her how to victimize someone who, I’m sure, is now heading for the witness protection program.

Now that – folks – is a stalker.

Restraining order issued: It’s okay to be persistent. It is not okay to be a stalker. Sometimes “No” means “No”. Accept it and move on. Especially when they’re married and you scare the beejezus out of them.

Your Husband’s On the Phone

Trophy Wife Rehearsal : Jill and Rachael

Listen. This is a problem. Joseph Keefe (Improv Yourself) says the most critical skill improvisers must acquire is listening. Most people listen just long enough so they can say what they wanted to say in the first place.

Improvisers are taught to listen to understand, rather than to reply. Because improvisation is in the present moment, and because each improviser feeds off the other, they must not only understand the words being said, they must be aware of the others’ intentions and the context of the situation.

In one sketch, the audience tells the two actors the scene is that they’re standing on the porch talking after their first date. The third actor is told he’s the mom surprising them by opening the front door.

Daughter: “Oh, hi mom. Didn’t know you were there.”

Mom: “Honey, your husband’s on the phone.”

Yikes!: Sales is improvisation. Listen. Or you may be surprised.